Monday, July 9, 2012

22 Second Half Baseball Truths from the Crystal Ball

Roto Wizard gazes into the crystal ball and sees ...

22. Andrew McCutchen wins the NL MVP. The city of Pittsburgh names 22 of it's 3,468 bridges after him.
21. Justin Upton salvages his fantasy season by hitting 16 homeruns and stealing 11 bases in the second half ... for the Pirates.
20. Roy Halladay pitches a perfect game in his first start back from injury. He then returns to the DL after suffering internal bleeding from being mobbed by his teammates.
19. R.A. Dickey will not win the NL Cy Young ...
18. ... Clayton Kershaw will ... again.
17. The Pirates will finish the season with 104 wins (including the post-season) ...
16. ... Bob Smizik still finds cause for complaint.
15.  Every team in the AL East finishes over .500 ...
14. ... only one makes the playoffs.
13. Andrew McCutchen will finish the season with 33 home runs, 33 stolen bases and a .333 AVG.
12. Mark Appel refuses to accept the Pirates offer and chooses to re-enter the draft next year... in a much deeper draft he is selected 11th overall and ends up being offered less money. This process repeats itself for 14 years until Appel decides to retire from baseball despite never throwing a pitch.
11. The Nationals lose the division race on the last day of the season but still win a wild card spot. They then lose the 1 game playoff ...
10. ... while Strasburg watches from the bench, due to reaching his innings 'cap'. In the off season he tears his rotator cuff while playing 'catch'.
9. Billy Hamilton finishes his MiL season with 188 stolen bases. Citing the economy, his opponents demand that he return them.
8. Adam Dunn will win the ML HR crown with 49...
7. ... while hitting under .200.
6. Albert Pujols hits a home run and proceeds to trot around the bases in reverse order. The Angels release a statement citing bad circuitry as the culprit.
5. The Angels attempt to trade Vernon Wells and his ridiculous contract. After every GM in baseball declines, the Angels hire a hitman.
4. Tim Lincecum inserts his virtual self into the Giants rotation for the rest of the season. He spends his summer surfing in California. The locals come to know him as "Snaggle-Tooth Tim". Virtual Tim finishes the season with a sub 2 ERA.
3. In an effort to overcome their horrendous starting pitching the Twins decide to carry just 10 position players and 15 pitchers, all of them relievers. Their success with this strategy in the second half sparks a revolution
2. Jason Kipnis becomes the top ranked fantasy second baseman in baseball. I spend the offseason gloating to anyone who makes eye contact with me.
1. During the off season, in order to make exhibition games mean something, MLB decides that spring training win/loss records determine the order of the June amateur draft.

No comments:

Post a Comment